Struggling

Sometimes I feel that there is little else to life besides the struggle of it.

In the last few days my health problems have been intensifying again. I’m twitching, I’m miserable with pain- burning, aching, tingling pain. I’m seeing spots, I’m waking with intense abdominal pain. I’m having chest pains and heart palpitations. I’m feeling nauseated and dizzy. I’m feeling strangely disconnected from my legs, and I’m dropping things. My arms keep going numb. My right leg keeps going numb. I’m exhausted all the time. I refused to get out of bed this morning when it was time because I was so miserable.

It makes me so mad! WHY?! Why is this happening to me? I hate it. I have no answers. I feel so betrayed by my body, by the doctors on whom we’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars. I feel guilty that my husband has to pick up so much slack. I don’t want to go back and have a million more tests, the next ones much more invasive. I’m sick of it.

I feel so stressed out. There’s been so much drama around here lately: The problems Michael is having at school and the issues that has raised between me and his “other” parents, me and his teacher, me and those in charge of his care at school. These health problems. Unrelated family drama out of my control. The stress of starting a new business venture. Feeling overwhelmed with work, not wanting to work but having no choice. Worrying about my business, and the large workload I’m falling more behind on every day that passes. Constant intense pain compounds all of my fears and worries into one big boiling rage that I’m trying to keep a damper on.

I wish things could just be mellow! I wish I could spend the next week sewing costumes and reading books. I wish the family drama would STOP. I didn’t do it, I don’t deserve it, and it stresses me out. I keep hoping things will turn around for Michael. And they always do, for a while, before he’s front and center in my worries again. I wish I could take the winter off. I work so hard. I love working hard. But sometimes I just want to be a wife and mother. I want to use my hands to create tangible products. I want to get away from the computer and stay away a while. I want to be able to plan our meals again, for our house to be clean again, to organize my craft stuff so I can find things again.

As I typed the last paragraph some lyrics popped into my head: “You can’t always get what’cha want” and I know it’s true. But really, it is what I NEED.

The ability to focus on ME. I’m always pouring my soul out and I think it’s time for a refill.