Riding the Tide

As a self-proclaimed Control Freak, sometimes it’s difficult to simply ride the tide of life- but this past year I’ve found myself resigned to this fate. It seems someone upstairs has their own ideas and plans for my life (too) and while I realize I yet shape my destiny.. that sometimes it’s imperitive I simply roll with it and hang on for the ride.

And what a ride I’m on! I’ve found it best that I just say “yes” a lot and when I’m not doing whatever I said I would do, I should rest. A lot.

Tomorrow I will meet with a local web design client. That will be fun and interesting! One of my biggest complaints about being in the business of doing business strictly on the internet is that I rarely get out of my office and interact with people. I’ve only ever worked on three local projects, and the other two were years ago.

Tomorrow also my mom will be seeing her internist/surgeon to find out why she can’t eat without excrutiating pain. This little thing she’s got going on has me worried.

This weekend I will finish the kids costumes. Michael’s is nearing completion- I only need to make the final hems in the chemise and breeches- complete his belt and sandals. Oh yeah, and put his eagle feather in his cap. Liana has asked me to make her a bat costume. I am looking forward to that. I’m thinking she needs black sweats, and I’ll make her wings and a headband with bat ears. She wants a bat mask too, we’ll see though. I’m sure I’ll also assist my cousin in finishing her costume.

There is a local event for kids that looks fun on saturday too. We might go. Or I might work. I’m desperately behind on my work schedule and unfortunately don’t have a huge drive to work on it either, so I need to put my mind to it and knock it out. I am trying to avoid the thought that my clients are losing their patience with me.

I’ve been asked to speak at a local Arts & Communications Expo next month. I accepted. I’ve also been asked to speak in a local college art class, and I accepted that too. I think it will be fun. I know that these types of events really helped me when I was a kid, looking forward to a career as an artist. I hope I can help others to see that they can do anything!

I’m not feeling well. My arms are numb and aching. My legs are numb and burning. My mind is a little muddled, probably as much by the pain meds as the condition. I’m finding it awkward to walk again. Like my legs don’t completely listen to me. My stomach is hurting and in the morning my first breaths are excrutiating. I’m always saying these things, and then feeling guilty for being a complainer. But at the same time I feel the need to document it, to put it out there. I wish I had a doctor who cared. When I feel my symptoms are severe, I always have to beat back fear- that something dangerous is going on and nobody is doing anything about it. That it could get worse, and cause permanant damage. And it bugs me daily that I’m not the mom I could be because I’m always saying, “I’m sorry little one, I don’t feel well enough.” I’d simply find another doctor, but I’ve been to half a dozen doctors and they all looked at me like I was crazy and sent me packing. Is there nobody out there who cares? It seems at times, no. And so for now I complain and get through my days any way possible and hope that this will go away, or that eventually someone will figure it out and help me get better.

I’ve been eating a lot better. Drinking super fruit & veggie smoothies. Taking my vitamins. Trying to stretch often. It’s time to get serious about a raw diet, I think. The smoothies do increase my stamina, if nothing else.

It’s 1pm and I haven’t worked yet. I better put my time in. I have felt better about myself having worked at least a few hours a day this week. I’ll be glad when I’m done with my current schedule and can shift directions with my businesses so that I’m not so obligated. Here I go.