Hiding Out

While I’m not convinced (as some of my idiotic doctors are) that my neurological symptoms are due in whole to stress, when I’m stressed or sick my symptoms sure get worse! As you can more than likely tell from my recent tweets- I’ve been stressed lately. Too much work, too much drama, too much. Then yesterday I came down with a bug. Fever, sore throat, swollen glands, cough. And so last night I had trouble staying conscious- I had trouble walking, my pain was way worse than usual and my pain meds wouldn’t touch it… and the muscle spasms intensified. I got scared. It’s been a long time since I got so sick as to be fearful. I didn’t miss it.

Today my fever is lower, my glands are less swollen, and my neurological symptoms are better. Thank you Zicam. And still, I’m spending the day down as much as possible. No repeats of last night, thank-you-very-much. This is what, the third or fourth day I’m spending the majority of the day in bed?!

I’ve been asked several times lately what my next steps are to possibly get diagnosed. The things my neurologist tossed around are all invasive. EMG. Spinal tap. Nerve Biopsy. I still have to go have a C-Spine MRI. (They scheduled my original one for during my trip to Colorado over the summer, and when I got home I felt pretty good so I did not reschedule.) I will reschedule that now. But I don’t want to do any of the invasive tests yet, they all risk my health. I’m thinking my next step should be to see a chiropractor, to work on my diet and to see a naturopath. In a year my “regular” doctors haven’t figured this out, and have prescribed meds that made me worse or didn’t help… and have made me feel responsible for being sick. I don’t trust them. I’ve taken all their pills forever now and I still struggle each day.

I really wish my insurance would cover the naturopath and chiropractor. I think it should. But it doesn’t. Which is a main reason as to why I haven’t tried this route before. We’re not rolling in the dough here. Every penny I spend on myself is one less I can spend on the kids. Who are complaining to me that they haven’t gotten new school clothes this year (first ever). Who want to join dance and gymnastics and karate. Damn it, man.

I haven’t worked since the middle of last week. I don’t intend to work again until the beginning of next. When I finish my next project and receive a paycheck again I’ll make some appointments. I was really hoping this thing wouldn’t come back to bite me (as if it’s ever gone away) but it’s obvious that whatever neurological disorder I have lingers. And anti-depressants, pain meds and tranquilizers aren’t being rid of it, no matter what the doc thinks. They just make me slow, they just make me not care, they take away ME, and they put me in danger of having another problem to deal with- addiction.

Hopefully I’ll feel well enough the latter part of this week to get my house in order- it looks as if a bomb has gone off in here. And I’ll be able to get Michael’s knight costume made. And then I’ll get back to normal life next week. Until then, I’m hiding out. You can find me in my cozy bed, wrapped up with a book in hand, sipping super anti-oxidant and vitamin rich smoothies- watching mindnumbing tv.