Was I a bad, bad girl in a previous life? Perhaps I’m a young soul, in need of some major ass kickin’ so that I’ll be a more compassionate, grateful, and humble person in my next life.?! Perhaps it’s just bad luck that illness threatens to strike me down in the prime of my existence? Is this hell?
Gah. Woke up sometime in the night and my left arm wasn’t working and was completely sensation-less. I couldn’t grasp or lift it with my right hand so I woke Joey to help me move it. Once it was moved, sensation came back slowly but surely. What if one of these times it doesn’t come back?
My arms are on fire. My legs are watery. I’m twitching. I don’t know my left from my right half the time. My stomach and kidneys kill. It’s as if a vice encompasses my middle. I drop everything. I spill food and drink down my face and stain my shirts. I’m a mess and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, scream or remain stoic. Stoicism is what I’m aiming for, and I don’t think I’m doing too bad of a job at it. Most of the time I feel strong and competent to battle this war. I’m not fearful. But sometimes I’m angry. And confused as to what I should be doing. I want to take action against this foe, this nameless beast that has taken over my body. Until I know what I face helplessness threatens to drown me.
I’m radioactive and magnetized. Now all I can do is wait. The techs who did my MRI said it will be about 2 business days before my doctor receives the results. I wonder, will they call me? Will they ask me to come in or will they give me the results on the phone? Will I have to wait until I see my new neurologist Friday to find out what my MRI might have revealed? Did it reveal anything? Did the techs really look like someone killed their puppy after the test? Or am I imagining that?
So much hangs in the balance. I don’t know what to do. Nobody can know what their future holds, but previous to this illness I knew the course I planned to take with my life. With my business. For my children. I had firm goals. Now I find myself contemplating alternative goals. Which is fine, we’ll be fine because I’m a planner and because I am taking this all in stride and figuring out what can be done to still live a full and rich life. But I don’t want to make alternative plans. I want to go back to the way things were. I have a funny feeling that no matter the results, I’ll never be able to go back and pick things up where they left off. I’ve learned too great of a lesson about life. Actually, many lessons about life.
So I’m thinking- since I do not provide my own health insurance as a self-employed artist… if we go ahead with our plans to create a family business and have to get our own health insurance privately, I’m going to have a pre-existing condition. And will likely not be insurable. In America I’m going to find myself, a good and law-abiding citizen, unable to get medical care. I will either die younger than I might, or my husband will become imprisoned, stuck in his job no matter his health or happiness. I think I just became a fan of government provided health care. For the first time in my life, I’m considering moving out of the country. Why should we have to give up our dreams, give up carving our own niche in this world and our goals for the future because I got sick? Why shouldn’t I use my God given talents to enrich the futures of others, our futures? Oh Canada….
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