*nod*

I’m so tired. Tired to the bone. Today has been a horrible day symptom wise; everything is burning, my skin is crawling, my hands are swollen to the point that it’s a miserable thing to have to type. All of the muscles in my body feel wrecked and exhausted. It’s hard to talk, too. And the twitching is annoying. And I’ve really been pushing through it to get stuff done and have a life. *sleep*

At least I can say that I had a productive first day back to work. I caught up on emails, caught up on consults, and wrapped up a few small jobs- site maintenance and print materials for various clients. Unfortunately (or very fortunately) I’m so slammed right now that I have no hope to catch up on my current workload and get ahead in the next few weeks or so. But a more balanced calendar is coming. After I wrap up 3 websites this week or next, I have booked just one large project a month until midsummer. Thank all that is holy.

I’m glad to be working, despite my difficulties. It’s a lovely distraction. I’m pretty excited about the three sites I’ll be working on this next week or two. They are for great clients, with great products and great taste- which makes for superb portfolio pieces for me. It’s just crazy that I’m doing so well with my business when I’m feeling so bad. Why can’t the stars just align for me already?

I really need to get serious about training help before the fall so that I can keep up with everything! One site a month and website maintenance and print jobs don’t make me the kind of money I like, but I’ve learned the hard way that booking two sites a month is dangerous because if one thing goes slightly awry I get behind and overstressed.

Speaking of which, I’ve been out of xa*nax for four days. AHHHHHH! Oh.

Yeah, I notice the difference. Medicated Phaedra is Happy Phaedra. And Happy Phaedra means Happy Kids and Happy Husband and Happy Parents and Happy Pets. Happier, anyways. And I like being happier. I never noticed a change in my symptoms though, no difference in being on the med or off. It’s all equally sucky. I just feel less like jumping off a cliff on the med. And I don’t dream so much.

Speaking of dreaming- wow are my dreams freaky since I started taking Vico*din. I don’t take much, just fives two times a day, morning and night. But yeesh. I had vivid, crazy, realistic dreams before but now they are insane. The moment I close my eyes at night I see some strange shit. And every morning I wake from a dream so real I am groaning in my sleep. I’m thinking I’d rather go back to Tylenol and deal with the pain then wake up from dreams every morning in which myself and the people I love have been mutilated in some way or worse, lost or killed. I hate it. And truthfully, I don’t think vido*din is helping with the pain much anyways. Nothing does. It might squash my headache and the pain from my muscle spasms but it doesn’t touch the nerve stuff. And that’s what kills.

I had two dreams this week that keep flashing through my head. In the first one Joey and I had gone to a wedding at a Catholic church. After the ceremony he and I walked up to a balcony to have a private conversation. I was telling him I didn’t think I felt well enough to go to the reception. He really wanted to go and was trying to encourage me to come along. As we were talking he casually took a step backwards without looking and put his elbow up like he was going to lean on the balcony. I realized too late that he stepped right back into the one place the railing was split for a tree. Before my mouth opened to warn him he fell through the open space. I ran to the rail and looked over and he was still falling. I couldn’t look as he hit. I ran down to where he was and his body was visibly broken but he was alive and talking to me. I was more scared than I had ever felt in life. I started screaming for someone to help, someone to call an ambulance, but everyone was a ways away, and chatting- they didn’t hear me. And then I woke.

In the other the entire family and I had traveled to Mexico on vacation. We were walking along a dirty, crowded street on a dismally overcast day. There were lot’s of tourists walking the same route, to and from the cruise ship from a Mexican market. The kids were looking around and distracted, there was lot’s to see. One moment Liana was holding my hand, the next she was skipping around beside me, and the next moment I didn’t see her at all. I called the kids and two came. I started shouting Liana’s name and told the big kids to stay with Joe as I ran around the area looking for Liana. But I couldn’t find her. I hadn’t found her when I woke and my first breath was a gasp of terror.

But anyways…

I worked quite a bit today and I also played a bit. I updated my flickr stream, photoblog, myspace and facebook profiles with the pictures from our beach trip saturday and Easter sunday. I can never rest until I’ve distributed my pretty pictures accordingly.

And now I must go rest. Tomorrow is another day. I have to code up a layout, finish up site updates for a client, and design a layout for another. Progress is good.

Sweet dreams!